I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
