I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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