1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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