I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
