not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
