the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
