Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
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I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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