he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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