I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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