Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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