What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
