I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
