I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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