Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.