it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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