I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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