Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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