I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
