i wish my penis had a tongue
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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