I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
