apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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