She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
