Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
