When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
