It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
