It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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