just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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