eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
