I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
