apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
