Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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