Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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