I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
