I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
