Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
