You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
