I'm going to jail i love you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
