I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
