There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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