Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
