whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
