2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
