The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
