Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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