You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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