My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
