I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
