I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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