the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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