wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
