My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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