Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
