direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
