theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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