you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
