apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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