at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
