She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
