so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Randomize
