Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
