I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
