Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
