I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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